Loss and Cuddles

Being a mom is HARD. Sometimes as a mother of 4 I get pretty grumpy about it. Let me paint you a picture. As I'm writing this I'm sitting outside Rosie's whelping box, just scratching her head while she nurses. Telling her sweet words... but also... I stop every 3 words I type because my 2 yr old son is doing gymnastics on my lap, saying "mommy watch this!", then poking me with a pencil, then dropping it in the whelping box, then asking for more pencils... and this goes on and on 🤣. But then I saw Rosie... laying there while 12 puppies fuss at her belly because they all want to eat at once... and I had a little better attitude for the day. 🤣

Some dog mommas take to nursing as soon as they come out. Angel did this. Puppy was born, I moved the pup to her belly, they latched and so began the process. Angel always laid down by the pups and sprawled out for them.

Rosie led a different story. But I think her love and bond to the pups is stronger for it.

Many of you know she was pregnant with 12 pups. As a professional breeder I shouldn't be writing this... y'all know that as a professional we are supposed to hide the ugly side of life because if you haven't been IN THE MUCK of the ugly side of life yet, I promise you it is hard to comprehend. It looks... well ugly. It seems, wrong. Judgement cones easily.

However I've been in that ugly side as a mother. I birthed 5. When he was 2months old I was forced to say goodbye. I don't talk about our son much, because it makes everyone squirm. If you haven't been IN THE MUCK of the ugly side of life & death... it's uncomfortable. Hard to understand. But it is what it is, and no matter the judgement or the awkward sympathy, I don't believe in hiding the ugly side.

So here I sit, being unprofessional. If you know me personally, you won't be too surprised I'm crossing the boundary into reality and transparency.

Sweet Rosie endured a hard Friday morning. Birth was the easy part. She flew through birt like a champion at the Olympics! In the early morning hours, she starting bringing puppies into the world, on her own. I woke up hearing the cries of 2 puppies... 1 mostly. When we rushed to Rosie's side I stood in a split second of shock before the doggie-midwofe in me kicked in. 1 was crying loudly, the other fussing with a mouth closed, and 2 were still in their little water sacks, gone from this world.

I still struggle to walk through this memory.

We quickly picked up the 2 living pups to clean up the space some, Rosie then cleaned off the other pups. I immediately called my on-call Vet Tech Donna, informing her to come immediately for help. I tried a little clearing the wind pipes and mouth of fluids, listened for a heart beat, I tried a little compression to help with breathing again.... nothing. We were too late. Rosie was pacing between the 2 sets of pups and whimpering. The living pups didn't want to nurse, one didn't even want to open its mouth, and Rosie didn't want to take care of them. The restlessness of her convinced me it was time.. with my heart dropping and Rosie struggling, I set them down in a soft spot and turned to the living.

"Come on Rosie.. come take care of your babies. They need you. come settle down sweetie.. Right here.. good girl.. you're a good momma sweetie... you're SUCH a good momma... it's ok sweetie... you're a GOOD momma. You did a GREAT job Come take care of the 2 pups you have."

The same words I needed to hear 8 yrs ago. The same words I tell myself this time of year every year.

The hours pushed forward... More puppies came. The #5 & #6 we had to encourage her and direct her attention to cleaning off the pup fresh from her womb. But then... she caught on again.. she pushed forward. Puppies came every 20-30 mins, and before we knew it all 12 had been born. Donna said in those early hours, after #5 was born she was doing so well, textbook perfect moving forward, that she wasn't concerned. She had gone to work and Rosie and I handled the rest with love, comfort, and lots of cuddles.

To this day, I watch Rosie do something a bit different than Angel and I wonder if it's because she lost the 2 pups. It's similar to how I act with my 4 kids after losing my son. When the pups fuss and cry (for food).. she curls around them and puts her head on top of them!! I laugh a little and then encourage her to open up. Spread wide that belly momma... you have TEN pups, they need every nipple you have! Slowly but surely she learned to lay down and nurse wide open... but those first 3 days, she nursed curled around them as if yo keep them here and safeguard them from leaving. As if to hold them closer,. As if to cuddle and hug them tighter because of fear of losing them. Or memory of one crying triggering her memory of loss.

As a momma that knows, I just loved her through it. I cuddled her and talked sweet to her, slowly pulling a leg out when she let me, and never pushing her further than she wanted to go. I've been there.

Honestly, I don't know how much dog brains are similar to us...but for now, Rosie has my heart and I feel like I understand hers a little better. I think she loves these pups with a deeper love than other pup mommas I've seen. These babies will be well bonded, which means deeply loved, which means happy confident pups. Just as much as I love watching my son and 3 daughters grow up, I will love watching these pups come into their own little personalities!:)